I believe it said I am on a 26 day streak, or something close to that.
I don’t feel like writing. I feel like sitting, stationary, unmoving, unrelenting, like the blood thickening in my veins this morning. Ugh. I don’t want to clean my house or get ready to be a hostess, but the people coming, the sweet girls whose Moms wait a half a world away for good reports, they don’t know they are walking into a home where overnight the puppy of the house died. They don’t know that, and I don’t know that with the language barriers I want to leap right into that. WELCOME! oh, my puppy died. My sweet little birthday present puppy I just met in January. He was supposed to be there when Hank leaves me, he wasn’t supposed to leave me first. My arms are heavy and nothing else seems to matter. My precious German poet dog. Rainer. Rainer. Rainer.
This morning when I was getting Sam dressed I said his name, “Rainer” in that expectant, “come here, sweet puppy” voice. I wanted him here. So much loss in my life. I am so done with it all, I don’t want loss anymore. I want love. Not loss. I don’t want emptiness where my insides feel like they are scraped bear.
I can hear the scraping sound effect in my mind, but not the sight of it. I can feel it, in my belly. I hurt. Ouch. I hurt.
I will take an hour or so nap and then get my work done. I am way behind now but I am so tired, so wrung out, I don’t think I can do much more. I just have to trust the girls will be so swept away by our fantastic activities they won’t notice a dust bunny or two. (Crossing fingers) I am thinking about all my German forebears. They would have noticed. Rolling my eyes at me. LET IT GO.
I am at 312 words.
I worked more on my “wish to experience” insights and my true confession of the day. Maybe it would be best to write that?
I am going to warm up my fingers. Wish wish wish wish wish wish wish wish wish wish wish wish wish wish wish wish. Why? Don’t use why’s, my love, use whats. I hear that. My subconscious hears you. What? What? What? What? What?
Listen. Hear. Love. Know. Hope. Dream. Live. Love. Listen. Hear. Love. Know. Hope. Dream. Love. Hear. Listen. Love. Hope. Dream. Live. Know. Wonder. Hope. Hope. Hope. Hope. Hope. Hope. Hope. Hope. Hope. Hope. Hope. Hope. Hope.
Tangible soul walks down the street. My typing is as numb as my heart. At least I will get this over with, quickly. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love.
Work from the list. You are doing well, my love. You are doing well.
Love. Tangible soul love. Love tangible soul. Do you know? Do you hear? I can type with my eyes closed. How interesting is that. I can type and love and type.
I can type and love and love and type.
I want to go to the river NOW. Not later or yesterday. LOVE and lentils. LOVE and time. Love and destiny. Love and hope. Love and presence. Love and treasures. LOVE and love. and LOVE and love. And LOVE! and Love. And Listen, and love. and know and love and hope and know and feel and love and hope and pray and pray and pray and find the treasures that lie within you.
I can see them. Hear you. Know you.
Students, love them. Less than 200 words to go. I can do this quickly.
Love love love love love love writing love is monotonous. Love love love love love love love true confession alert: writing love is monotonous. Give me some emphasis on pain, like what I am feeling in my gut right now and I will give you something much more interesting. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love.
Patience. Sweet patience. I can feel it. Sweet love and patience. Sweet love and patience. Sweet love and patience. Sweet love and patience. Sweet love and sweet patience. Sweet love and sweet patience. Sweet love and sweet patience. Moving. Love. Sweet love. Sweet. Love. Sweet. Love. Sweet Love. Tangible soul. Tangible soul. Tangible soul. Tangible soul. Tangible soul. Tangible soul. Feel the tangible soul. Know it is coming soon. Language will be fine. Less than twenty words. Tangible soul. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. LOve. tangible soul is mine and yours and hers and his and theirs. Love. Bye for now. Love. Hello, again. Love.
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