June 27, 2010 One Sentence Journal

Emma’s brewing tantrum at the Smith Party led us to a bright pink bag full of bargains at “Out of the Closet”....

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Today, June 28, I am so grateful for...

the heart/breakthrough/word success of writing camp…

meaningful conversations

the visit to Out of the Closet with Emma

the Smith College party yesterday (Katherine met a couple girls who are also incoming first year women)

air conditioning

the river

See more progress on: Daily: Reflect on at least 5 things for which I'm grateful (Happiness Manifesto #2)

Gratitude on June 26, 2010

I am grateful the opening night of Melon Colony went well last night. I have never done a show like this, so it felt good.

I am grateful for singing well and singing badly.

I am grateful for laughter.

I am grateful for coffee (I need it today!)

I am grateful I will be at writing camp within a couple hours.

I am grateful for insights and Mary Oliver.

I am grateful for full moons and partial eclipses.

I am grateful for my pencils and pens.

I am grateful.

See more progress on: Daily: Reflect on at least 5 things for which I'm grateful (Happiness Manifesto #2)

June 24, 2010 One Sentence Journal

It is the last night of rehearsal for the show I wasn’t supposed to be in but which may lead me to exactly the show I want to be in.

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On June 25, 2010, I am grateful for...

my increasing physical strength and stamina

215800, which is why I am getting physically stronger

just-right pillows

my ability to write

afternoon naps

lavender paint

tenacity and finally – I am grateful for hope.

See more progress on: Daily: Reflect on at least 5 things for which I'm grateful (Happiness Manifesto #2)

"Oh, I Would Like to Be Close!"

Well, Nobody’s perfect – but for once, I would like to be close.

Vaguely close to quintessence, now there is a word

Close enough to smell perfect in the just-right splendor

Of a perfect dawn – snuggled up, skin-to-skin,

Within someone I love the sky transforming from

Deep blue to purple to a hint of light to

All my favorite lavendar pinks orange yellow mauvey

Sunburst forth in vivid, lively confidence

Fresh, crisp, porridge that neither burns nor freezes

Coffee brewing in the background

A pencil and notebook, waiting, at an antique

Mahogany desk, soft robe to wrap me in as

I find the ideal words to describe, to evoke,

To engage, to invigorate, to connect with

You and him and her and them and us

Yes. Nobody’s perfect but oh, I would like to be close.

See more progress on: write a (sloppy, half-formed if need be) poem every day (or so) during June 2010

Friend? (Daily Poem, June 23, 2010)

She twitches, almost unseen

Muscle drought from not spotting

Her object of obsession

A circle of madness moves through

Her feet, the wind from her glacial sorrow

Forms icicles on the bottom

Of her skirt, covering her toes

Marching, in a nervous watery snow

Such sorrow on her birthday

Forehead, drawn over brown smudged

Eyelids, the bad vibes falling as the sky

Collapsed, her happy self becomes

Merely carbon traces

In a sea of delusional wishes

“Bad bad bad” were the

final words

she deigned to

speak

See more progress on: write a (sloppy, half-formed if need be) poem every day (or so) during June 2010

June 23, 2010 - One Sentence Journal

While the longest tennis match on record unfolds, I chugged through my day of writing, rehearsing, laughing and loving.

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June 23, 2010 One Word Journal

chugging

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Gratitude, Gratitude, Gratitude

I am grateful for Writing Camp and how much fun it was yesterday. New Campers, lots of fantabulous words, brilliant soul connection.

I am grateful for Sam’s presence in my mornings. He is a fine art making compadre. (We are working on making some chap books together.)

I am grateful for fun at rehearsals, even if it rekindles my crazy crush on Him. Relentless, it is.

I am grateful for my coffee this morning. Lord knows I need it.

I am grateful for CMore’s swimming pool. I will really need it this weekend!

See more progress on: Daily: Reflect on at least 5 things for which I'm grateful (Happiness Manifesto #2)

June 21

It is a day of Solstice – sun celebration – the longest day of the year and I am remembering other longest days of the year. I am remembering Sharon’s birthday – childhood friend whose day is this day.

I am remembering in 1980, 30 years ago, when I went to a Summer Solstice concert against Nuclear Energy. Bonnie Raitt was there, I don’t know if my beloved Jackson Browne was there, but I think many of his buddies were there and it was in Laguna Niguel of all places and that one pretend priest from Saturday Night Live was there and I was 18 and feeling pretty darn smug about where I was in life and where I was that day. I can’t remember when I stopped feeling smug, I just know it is a feeling that has remained unfelt for quite some time.

Today I happened upon a Blog Fest happening at MotherHenna.com. I knew her writing and art from Art Every Day month and I knew we had some significant stuff in common, but today I was lead there, I think, due to a divine appointment.

The Summer Solstice Blog Festival our hostess, Kara of MotherHenna.com was engaging us to use the theme of “Permission.”

I use the word “permission” frequently in my writing. I didn’t realize it. I even put up some samples for you to check out here.

Permission to remember – Kara remembered her daughter, Dakota, at sunset, so I see from the image on her blog, the one inspiring this writing. She wrote Dakota’s name in the sand. It looked gold in the sun’s retreating light, both the baby’s name and the sand itself.

I remembered Marlena this week in a searing poem. Really, slice to the bones poem which is having an impact on people, especially those who have NOT experienced loss. You may read this poem, “Unbirth”, when I publish these ramblings I will post a link here.

I feel the need to be granted permission to be uber successful at writing and teaching and speaking and coaching. I didn’t used to need this permission. I am not sure what happened and you know, I don’t really care. I am giving me permission, today – on this longest day of 2010, to be uber successful at my efforts to publish, distribute and gain financial success from my writing, my teaching, my speaking, and my coaching.

While I am at it, I grant myself permission to have not only a blast but also to receive accolades and paying gigs for my creative endeavors of performance, poetry and painting.

I gave myself permission to write with Samuel at my side today because he was fairly, well, pretty much pressing me to love with him, alongside him and it is my favorite thing. The house is so quiet when it is just he and I. He plays, fairly contentedly, solo, and doesn’t turn on the television noise box or music, he is just content to be and to explore and to contemplate or plan his next thing. Like right now, his next thing is locating his shoes which he has somehow misplaced.

Back to permission….

I write about permission a lot and I need to ask myself to live the question of, “How well have I integrated permission in my life?” In a ‘lets get real’ moment, I need to dive into that one without holding back.

Have I integrated permission in my life?

I have integrated permission, in other words, signed the metaphorical permission slip and leaped into whatever the heck was holding me back in several specific and large to many areas. I have granted myself permission to lead an unconventional, creative life. That is a biggie because I remember back when I was an employee and convinced there was no way, that I was the one through my labor at a place I despised and clearly didn’t fit me or “get” me… that this was the only way for my family to survive. I believed I held my family’s well being on my back and in my paycheck.

The price was ultimately far too high to pay, though I have never lived this creative life AND worked at a job I hated but I am not that much into experimentation… unless I am pretty darned sure it will delight me. I came dangerously close recently. I am shivering at the thought.

My family’s well being is better than ever except in the finances department because on occasion, some occasions more than others, my finances dip and I finally spoke this outloud on a recent girls day. I actually gave myself permission to say, “Due to my choices to live this creative life style, sometimes I am broke and unfortunately, this choice impacts my children.”

Emma heard me say it, make this serious confession. She seems to respect my need to work on my teaching and coaching more now, I noticed, since I said what was so, without reservation, she somehow gets it.

I am going to repeat the early call to grant myself a more intensified, integrated level of permission. Here goes again:

I feel the need to be granted permission to be uber successful at writing and teaching and speaking and coaching. I didn’t used to need this permission. I am not sure what happened and you know, I don’t really care. I am giving me permission, today – on this longest day of 2010, to be uber successful at my efforts to publish, distribute and gain financial success from my writing, my teaching, my speaking, and my coaching.

While I am at it, I grant myself permission to have not only a blast but also to receive accolades and paying gigs for my creative endeavors of performance, poetry and painting.

I also realize I need to continue to live and continue to integrate this question because I have gotten so good at poo-pooing in my head what I see as the “airy” ness of my compadres, the unspecifics, the non-concrete stuff they will spout in free writing sessions like this one I am writing in exactly now. I will read their writing that grants them permission to… and they will say words that are great like “love unconditionally” which I am all about, too – and yet I know there needs to be the underpinnings to love unconditionally. I give myself permission to stand alongside my beloved friends in their loving unconditionally and, perhaps, whisper in their ears, “Show me unconditional love. Show me how you live that unconditional love. Show me how you make that tangible for others. Show me, beloveds, unconditional love.”

And now, you beloveds, and Kara, beloved – you have permission to remind me, please, to ask and live the “How have I integrated permission in my life?”

and the “What do I have to show the outside world that I have integrated permission not only in the areas where it is easy for me, but also in the areas where it is not so easy for me?”

Yes. That feels right.

See more progress on: Complete the June Challenge at 750Words.com

Snickerdoodle Cookie

I pushed my face into the snickerdoodle
Colored flowers and my reward
Was a rush of sweet vanilla scent
And thoughts of you

And several hours later
I told you

You responded with
“I stood, naked, under the midnight stars
two states away from where you
were fast asleep with a man who wasn’t me
and thought of you. So there.”

There was where I wasn’t
When we were more we than
You and I are now
Memories laced with your voice
Float into my view
And I wonder what would
Have happened if my
There then was more here then
Would we be more of a we now?

The point stifled to a less than less,
I think I may once again push
My face into the snickerdoodle
Colored flowers and be rewarded
With rushes of sweet vanilla scent
And thoughts of you

See more progress on: write a (sloppy, half-formed if need be) poem every day (or so) during June 2010

June 14: A Little Yeats McCartney Cento

Woven respectfully by Julie Jordan Scott

WHEN you are old and grey and full of sleep
Will you still be sending me a sweet valentine
Like your eyes once held, and of their shadows deep;
Sent birthday greetings bottle of wine –

If I’d been out till quarter to three
After many loved your moments of glad grace,
Will you still need me, will you still feed me,
‘Cause I loved the sorrows of your changing face

I murmur, a little sadly, how love fled
Indicate precisely what you mean to say
He, who hid his face amid a crowd of stars.
Yours sincerely, Wasting Away.

See more progress on: write a (sloppy, half-formed if need be) poem every day (or so) during June 2010

I am soooo grateful on June 14, 2010

I am so grateful…..

for last night’s chasing the sunset fun – exactly what I needed!;

sunset & sunrise

sitting under the stars – chatting about nothing in particular and everything in specifics

bales of hay

unfamiliar bird songs

the bold (and perhaps unsmart act) of moving close to a boxed bees nest for some photos

ice cream sandwiches

See more progress on: Daily: Reflect on at least 5 things for which I'm grateful (Happiness Manifesto #2)

June 12 Poem: A Gift of Holding

Gratitude, a gift of holding

Awareness in collection is a

And was and shall be the

Most potent present I have

Both given and received

As I track my life, my journey,

What is right, holy, sacred,

True, the new regions of

My soul – marking what could

Have once looked ugly and

Less than now, with gratitude

Has turned just right –

Grateful for running water

Celery stalks in my crisper

Laughing connection through

Tears the gift of noticing

Inklings silence in crowds

The gift of perfect imperfection

Graceful stumbling

Mindful rambling

Balanced abundance

Gratitude, a gift of holding

See more progress on: write a (sloppy, half-formed if need be) poem every day (or so) during June 2010

June 13 Poem - Yes. You. Are.

My Superheroes are Superheroines, too
Volunteers, Activists, Love-ambassadors
Those who ask the questions
Worth asking and those who
Boldly live their questions
Without worry-filled spirals

My Superheroes don’t
Wear spandex or disguises
Or capes or tights or trite sayings
They don’t put speeches in cans
Or use language others don’t understand

My Superheroes get dirty
My Superheroes take the bullet
My Superheroes find see beauty in the ordinary
My Superheroes cry and break and wheeze
My Superheroes die
And yet live in my words

My Superheroines rise above
Slapped on gender labels
Condescending slaps on the ass
Sneers down taller noses
Misunderstandings and mindless
Cataloguing

My Superheroines take on their assignments
With gleeful creativity flecked with
Blissful gratitude, awakening insights
Allow tears to transform dark hallways
Paint “ugliness” recklessly, laughingly
Welcome grief and sadness while
Holding life tightly loose, loosely tight

My Superheroines and Superheroes
Don’t need the heroines or heroes
They don’t need approval or worship
They may enjoy the occasional compliment
You, there reading – may be the next
Superheroine and Superhero for
The Next person you see

What if –
What if you are?

Yes. You.
Are.
Hero.
Heroine.

See more progress on: write a (sloppy, half-formed if need be) poem every day (or so) during June 2010

Pantoum from June 10

Yellow speckled memories fill my throat like bile

Word damage is spread via pain department store

Thought it was over, this incessant trial

Through the grey pitcher torrents of hatred pour

Word damage is spread via pain department store
Poke prod rebuke flibbety gibbering that and this

Through the grey pitcher torrents of hatred pour

What I hold in my gut is the antithesis of bliss

Poke prod rebuke flibbety gibbering that and this

“Can you tell me the specifics of what makes you mad?”

What I hold in my gut is the antithesis of bliss –

Halted breathing meets silence meets “I can’t be bad….”

“Can you tell me the specifics of what makes you mad?”

Thought it was over, this incessant trial

Halted breathing meets silence meets “I can’t be bad….”

Yellow speckled memories fill my throat like bile

See more progress on: write a (sloppy, half-formed if need be) poem every day (or so) during June 2010

June 11, 2010

Gratitude, a gift of holding
Awareness in collection is a
And was and shall be the
Most potent present I have
Both given and received
As I track my life, my journey,
What is right, holy, sacred,
True, the new regions of
My soul – marking what could
Have once looked ugly and
Less than now, with gratitude
Has turned just right –
Grateful for running water
Celery stalks in my crisper
Laughing connection through
Tears the gift of noticing
Inklings silence in crowds
The gift of perfect imperfection
Graceful stumbling
Mindful rambling
Balanced abundance
Gratitude, a gift of holding

See more progress on: write a (sloppy, half-formed if need be) poem every day (or so) during June 2010

June 12, 2010 Gratitude List - I am so grateful!

I am so grateful for the resurgence in poetry writing. 3 days in a row! YAY!

I am so grateful I attended Amy’s party. I have been so waffly about attending social events. I was glad I went.

I am so grateful the penultimate performance of “Dear Harvey” went well.

I am so grateful for the compliments I received in my performance.

I am so grateful for the generosity of my friends.

I am grateful to be reminded of love.

I am grateful.

See more progress on: Daily: Reflect on at least 5 things for which I'm grateful (Happiness Manifesto #2)

June 11 Morning Pages

Today I was lead to write with a pencil and paper on a topic I would rather speed type through, more than likely breathlessly, carefully watching the mounting word count and thinking “just get through it, skim the surface, almost to the number of words prescribed… you can do this, you can do this… you can do….

And I can’t do that with pencil and paper, which is perhaps why I write with pencil and paper.

I almost retreated from the retyping what I wrote with pencil and paper. Easier, my subconscious says. Easier. Forgettable, brushawayable, ignorable.

I roll my eyes and keep typing.

I am immersed in a blue Ford Mustang, ‘65, V-8 engine revving. Mom is driving. I am, as is rarely the case, in the front seat. I am rarely in the front seat of anything as the fourth child, I am stuffed into nooks and crannies more often than not, never wanting to cause a stir or be trouble because that might be more trouble and we all know what more trouble means.

My brothers sometimes made a spot of taunting me to tears and Mom was talking to me about it. She didn’t protect me from their taunts, she said,

“You’ve got to toughen up, Julie.”

It is the first time I remember getting the message, “Don’t feel what you feel.”

To this day, I will stop crying on cue. If the right authority person says, “Stop crying” my tears dry instantly and I am laughing and smiling, like a puppet, on cue. It is eerie and a bit frightening but it makes everyone else more comfortable.

I never tell my children not to cry.

Even indulgent crying has transformative powers. To say “don’t cry” from my vantage point is akin to saying “don’t breathe.”

Instead of promoting “toughen up” for the little version of me, I might have said, “Be strong even when your heart hurts,” or “Wear boldness for protection when your feet itch to run.” Fear isn’t a bad thing, as Bindu Wiles says, “Fear is not the enemy” and “Healing your individual past is a way to world peace.”

My pencil kept scratching on the paper. No word counts on paper, I just kept going.

What if fear was one room in the party Divinity threw for me? What if fear was like musical chairs or hot potato or pin the tail on the donkey or bingo?

Before I quit my last job, I spent time in therapy dealing with my response to the death threats I received. My assignment was to write a list of my fears. “What are you most afraid of, Julie?” my therapist asked.

On the top of my list? Losing my job.

I was petrified about losing that which caused the most pain, the most fear, the most sadness, the most discomfort in my life. My job brought me hives, nightmares and sleeplessness yet I was most afraid of losing it?

When I take the time to look at that fear, really search around underneath it, what I find is I was actually afraid of having no money, about my income being lost. I was scared frozen at the thought of being jobless and not contributing to my family. I had worked since I was 11 years old with only minimal breaks for babies. I was a worker. That was what was expected of me. Work, paycheck. Work for employer, paycheck.

The words that just rumbled in my ear, sort of through my paper, pencil and finally fingers on the keyboard are, “For God’s sake, Julie, just be normal!” or worse yet, “You are so embarrassing!”

Those last two jabs actually stopped my typing so here I am, 200 words short of the goal, and I am right back in that revving Ford Mustang on a gorgeous Summer day with my Mom younger than I am now intoning, “You’ve got to toughen up.” when a member of my family jabs me, hard.

Losing my job was like losing my family to me as I feared losing approval.

I was afraid I would make the people I love mad at me.

I was afraid of being labeled “afraid” or “selfish” or “unable to give her kids what they want/need” I was afraid my loved ones would desert me if I left this job with great benefits, decent wages, and protected me and my family from being financially destitute but which didn’t protect me from being heart destitute.

The primary fear was not losing my job, it was losing those whose love I valued the most. The umbrella fear wasn’t loss of financial well-being, it was loss of heart well-being.

The primary fear of all my fears.

And you know what is most ironic of all?

I left my job in 1999. Going on eleven years. My husband left in January, 2000, the day before my birthday. My family slowly dropped away from me. I don’t even have phone numbers for two of my brothers and my sister. I can’t remember the last time any of them called me. The occasional facebook comment, sort of like other characters from my childhood.

They are on the same level as all those other people who might have seen me sitting in that Navy blue Ford Mustang, revving at the corner of Washington and Ridgewood. “You’ve got to toughen up, Julie.”

See more progress on: Complete the June Challenge at 750Words.com

June 10, 2010 One Word Journal

Template

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June 10, 2010 One Sentence Journal

To end the day with raucous laughter at Zingo’s is to touch heaven.

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True Fibonacci Poem

He
Said
“Show me”
“Show me smart”
Her pencil point moves
She can’t guarantee its wisdom

See more progress on: write a (sloppy, half-formed if need be) poem every day (or so) during June 2010

June 9, 2010 One Sentence Journal

Grouchy days can be mind opening when we allow them to be.

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Today, June 10, I am grateful for...

the perfect writing porch weather

the cast of “Template”

750words.com combined with the writing/yoga #215800 of Bindu Wiles and Dian Reid’s June blog challenge and how, together, makes writing consistently a pure pleasure

the writing of sketches on command by Mike and Billie Joe

fun pencils

the walking shoes Julia gave me

I am grateful!

See more progress on: Daily: Reflect on at least 5 things for which I'm grateful (Happiness Manifesto #2)

June 9 Morning Pages

I come to this challenge in two parts at 1:10 pm, the first part being the savasana about two hours ago. In my ideal world, I would do the savasana and immediately write my 800+ words in response but alas, that wasn’t to happen today and I think part of this lesson is “perfect isn’t always perfect” which is something I know and a reminder never, ever hurts, does it?

So – to start where I am, or where I was when I sat up following my savasana:

When I stopped the savasana yesterday, I had been on a bit of a journey as I followed my breath in and out. I followed my breath in images, images attempting to get to that “sacred, holy space” I was directed to be within. Well, I was curious and a bit perturbed at first when the sacred, holy space I found myself in was watching my feet on the slate covered sidewalks of my early childhood. Foot up, foot down, walking. I was apparently on my way to kindergarten since once first grade rolled around, I always had a walking companion.

For whatever reason I can’t comprehend, in kindergarten I walked alone. My siblings were somewhere on the same path toward the same school or a school not too distant, but for whatever reason, my five-and-six-year-old self forged the two long block path on my own.

Actually, the sidewalk I saw in my savasana was a short block, between Maolis and Adams, on my side of Hawthorne Avenue it was a continuous block, but the sidewalk I saw, the sidewalk I walked along, was on the other side, the “not my side” side.

During savasana I could even feel the up-and-down of the slate, I could even feel the variation of pressure from pushing upward tree roots. They were willy nilly, the roots. Pleased to just be walked upon is what comes.

When I was in my 15 minutes of yoga, I didn’t wander away or wonder, “What is up with me walking on childhood sidewalks? This doesn’t feel like a sacred space at all!” It wasn’t until later my forehead crinkled into the question, “What is up with my sacred space not being a fancy cathedral or a waterfall or some exotic location in India? Why did the sacred space that appeared before me appear as a broken, off-kilter, oft walked upon side walk, all willy nilly and hither and yon.

The sidewalk as it was then probably doesn’t exist anymore, forty years later.

I got this clear message: the sacred space is wherever my sole lands. Wherever the bottom of my foot hits land, that is sacred. It isn’t in the fancy stuff we lay atop it, it is in the actual movement. It is in the touching of the soil or the path and me, willingly moving through it and in it that made it holy.

(My eyes gaze to my word count. A mere 496 words. A part of me wants to stop here and move onto some of my other topics today, but the part of me which is wisest says, “Stay with sacred, holy spaces. Stay grounded in that. Stay. Stay. Stay.”

So be it, otherwise known as “AMEN!” I will stay centered in the sacred places. The wherever the soles of my feet land, that is the holy place where I am to live and give, freely.

A sacred space is the crook of my arm, when Samuel nestled into it today.

A sacred space is created in my virtual writing classes, in the non-space space there. It is sacred, it is holy.

A sacred space is here – listening to radio swiss classic, my writing sanctuary which may be far from perfect but it is where my writing, my reaching out to you and him and her and them – - it is where that happens so that, my love, is sacred.

There are some sacred spaces I love to visit, as well.

Places like Sequoia and Dana Point and Canyon de Shelley – the last I haven’t been in more than twenty years. I need to go back, soon. I wonder, sometimes, how it would be to write there, without people with small hands and large voices shouting at me to stay…. please, stay.

Which brings me to the sacred place of presence: another place that is too big for geography. What is a sacred place if not felt in the soul, heard in the heartbeat, cherished in both the giving and receiving? A sacred place is wherever I pick the sole of my foot up and put it down.

A sacred place is wherever I pick the sole of my foot up and put it down.

A sacred place is wherever I pick the sole of my foot up and put it down.

A sacred place is wherever I pick the sole of my foot up and put it down.

It is the journey and it is the destination. It is in this moment and that moment.

And with that, see I am well over the 800 Words. Two days in a row.

Sing praises.

See more progress on: Complete the June Challenge at 750Words.com

Today: The Question that Needs to Be Asked and Lived (June 9)

What is it in YOU that is hidden

Caged, left no room to roam?

There isn’t anything noble

About the bars and locks and

Shutters that mask you and

Hold on too tightly, not allowing
Your YOU-ness to be

Released into the wilderness

Which is here, which is

There, which is over there and WAY-

Over there as these THERES

And HERES are calling you

Now to step out, open the door,

Pick up the soles and your soul

And show up here and there

And wherever you are

Unhidden, Free, Unselfconsciously

Embarrassed, astonished and

Bewildered at who you are

In this world

See more progress on: write a (sloppy, half-formed if need be) poem every day (or so) during June 2010

Grateful, grateful, grateful on Sunday June 6

I am grateful CMore is coming home tonight!

I am grateful I have the ability to tell my friends no and they have the ability to say, “Ok, cool! Next time, then….”

I am grateful for cool swimming pools

I am grateful for creative outlets, in abundance

I am grateful when others take the lead so that I don’t have to feel compelled to take the lead.

I am grateful for my flat iron

I am grateful for new paint

I am grateful for late night telephone calls

I am grateful for my new sandals which I adore!

I am grateful….

See more progress on: Daily: Reflect on at least 5 things for which I'm grateful (Happiness Manifesto #2)

June 4 One Sentence Journal

It felt so great to prepare for “Dear Harvey” without distraction and… it lead to my best performance in this show yet.

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June 4 One Word Journal

Mel

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Grateful on June 5, 2010

Today, on a warm Saturday morning, I am grateful…

for the Save the Arts Rally… great to reconnect with some folks I had not seen lately.

for Cmore’s hospitable bed. Such a comfy environ to inhabit as I house sit!

for Cmore’s pool. The children will appreciate it, especially today!

for ceiling fans

for BBQ’s with my children, their friends, and the families of their friends

for plentiful drinking water

for a fantastic Passion Activator Friday yesterday!

I am grateful!

See more progress on: Daily: Reflect on at least 5 things for which I'm grateful (Happiness Manifesto #2)

Psalm 36

I thought I had added this goal before!

Today, Psalm 36 in conjunction with my morning pages… I clipped out my initial reflections:

In today’s Psalm – God’s love is meteoric. His loyalty astronomic. The soul that resides here says, loyalty even when making a regrettable choice. Perhaps that one particular person regrets, now, the actions taken and could retrieve great benefit from the compassion shared by many, perhaps. There are so many reasons to make the choices we make and without inhabiting that body, the sureness isn’t so sure, not at all. My fingers move. My words come forth. I stay steady even in the midst of curiousness.

God’s love is meteoric, note the slide right into the dreaded pronouns, without consciousness intervening or intercepting. How exquisite is your love, O God. How exquisite is God’s love, manifested in creation and in people, the Divinity – divinity-with-skin, unseparated.

Keep on loving your friends. Do your work in welcoming hearts. Beautiful. I heartfully accept that task today. Keep on loving friends. Do work in welcoming hearts. Clean. Today is cleaning and straightening and preparing. Finding tools and leveraging them.

See more progress on: June Goal: Study One Psalm Daily

June 5 Morning Pages (with the Psalm Study thrown in!)

I am working on forgiveness. I am working on listening more. I am working on compassion. I am working on love.

I love working. It isn’t a negative or a burden, it is as my friend Kahlil Gibran says: Work is a flute with ohhh, no don’t have it right. I will look it up. Work is love made visible. I remember that part. Work is love made visible.

That is why I must stay true with my work, and why – it is so remarkable to know – people are showing up for my camps and asking me about coaching without me doing anything short of being true, remaining true – love the thought of being true and holding true and staying true. This is what I need, the who I am of it all.

Julie, without the eye. LOL. Trying to keep those pronouns off the most common lists.

Driving home from the Save the Arts rally at Empty Space theater. Thinking about how much that one particular person riles up my anger. Is it about that person or is it about my sadness that she was cast in such a pivotal role and then dishonored the craft when that is something unfathomable and foreign to the soul that resides here. That was a call, divinely, I am sure, to forgiveness. Yes.

In today’s Psalm – God’s love is meteoric. His loyalty astronomic. The soul that resides here says, loyalty even when making a regrettable choice. Perhaps that one particular person regrets, now, the actions taken and could retrieve great benefit from the compassion shared by many, perhaps. There are so many reasons to make the choices we make and without inhabiting that body, the sureness isn’t so sure, not at all. My fingers move. My words come forth. I stay steady even in the midst of curiousness.

God’s love is meteoric, note the slide right into the dreaded pronouns, without consciousness intervening or intercepting. How exquisite is your love, O God. How exquisite is God’s love, manifested in creation and in people, the Divinity – divinity-with-skin, unseparated.

David called. Invitation issued. Once again, invitation shot down. Need advanced warning, reminder. Spontaneity on a leash? Not sure what to name that. Want the spontaneous, not sure just how accurate or how pivotal or true that may be, exactly. How eager we are to run under your wings, like a mama with a wide skirt. Take me in. A fountain of cascading light. Lovely. oh. so lovely.

Keep on loving your friends. Do your work in welcoming hearts. Beautiful. I heartfully accept that task today. Keep on loving friends. Do work in welcoming hearts. Clean. Today is cleaning and straightening and preparing. Finding tools and leveraging them.

Tooling around in a purple wisdom carraige. Loving that fact.

The purple wisdom carriage. What a vision that gives me. Vision carraige. Perfection. Bliss. This month: bliss. Write it in the morning and post, share, grown, envision, shelter. Move. Grow. Bliss. Yes. Know. Hope. Live. Poetry comes, roles off the end of my texting. Need to write those onto the page, save, hold, love. be.

Two hundred twenty remain.

I type, move my fingers. Breathe into this exact moment to connect with that exact moment. It is strange, the agreements entered into without much thought, following my love and my fascination. The soul that resides here, that lives within and alongside and surrounding this skin, this human sanctuary – this space of creativity.

Where is my writing sanctuary?

It is wherever I am, wherever I go, wherever it is my pen lands. Sanctuary is a result. Join, collaborate, rejoice in the joining and the collaboration. Feel the giddiness that prevails. Home team advantage. Write. Love. Bliss.

Wisdom, compassion, forgiveness. The biggies. The lovelies.

Today I saw Jen. I made that sound that says “I see you now! Haven’t seen you in far too many preceding nows! Lets stop and step into more nows soon. Will you, please?”

That burst of air, that punctuation mark which says, “Surely, I will. Surely, will you?”

Love that burst of air, that punctuation mark, that squeak, that squeal. The soul that resides among and beyond these bones and this sinew says “Does memory hold that release of breath that says, ‘may this moment last forever’ and in doing so, the memory says, ‘indeed, it has – ’ this soul wonders, if it only lives here, for the woman, for the feminine, or if it stretches?

What does wisdom say? What does wisdom encounter?

Wisdom knows. Beyond the knowing and into the mystical. I scoop it up and look into it, look into the reflections to find myself and relive that moment. My heart is guided to other hearts, also looking, also inviting, also knowing.

Bliss.

See more progress on: Complete the June Challenge at 750Words.com

Gratitude on June 4, 2010

I am grateful Katherine’s graduation went so well

I am grateful to be able to dogsit and house sit for CMore while he is in Denver.

I am grateful Summer vacation is here… and am surprised at my gratitude for that!

I am grateful for my walk down sunset memory lane to prepare for my meeting with Alison today.

I am grateful for writing camp – it just keeps getting better and better!! Wow! What a privilege!

I am grateful for this space to proclaim gratitude…. and to each of you who participate.

I am grateful for my 40 Day Streak at 750Words.com!

Grateful, love, gratitude, love, yes! YES! YES!

See more progress on: Daily: Reflect on at least 5 things for which I'm grateful (Happiness Manifesto #2)

June 2 Morning Pages, 2010

What do you want to know? is the wishcasting wednesday question. What do I want to know?

I want to know everything is going to be ok. Everything.

And even in writing that, a small “come on, you have to laugh” sound gurgles from my belly.

I have been studying for a long time – ever since my first spiritual experience at age 7, I have been studying and contemplating and praying and studying and I know better than expecting, ever, that everything is “going to be ok” at least by my woefully short-sighted-human-interpretation.

I have been thinking back to the days when I made sure “everything is ok” through my human attempts at ok-ness which lead me down a path to despair – which I read about in a new way this morning in The Cloister Walk, it made such sense. It made SUCH sense.

I am on Psalm 33. I am sure it will help me, something about ok-ness.

Yesterday in writing camp I quoted Epictetus, loosely. His quote about it is not the things that happen that upset us, but our opinions about the things that happen that upset us. (Makes perfect sense.)

The KORN video came out. I can’t deny its existence nor my lack of wardrobe anymore and you know, its ok. It is like wearing pajamas. It is ok, I tell you. It is ok.

Psalm 33 checks in and starts like this:

Good people, cheer God! Right-living people sound best when praising.

I am always cheering God, can’t you hear me? YAY! Divinity! YAY! God! Yippeeee, Jesus Christ! I love GOD! God has such a great sense of humor and is proving it again.

I am going to go back to the Wishcasting question:

What do I wish (not want!) to know?

I wish to know
I wish to know
I wish to know
I wish to know
I wish to know
I wish to know
I wish to know
I wish to know

I wish to know intimacy, on a deeper, more profound level.
I wish to know my children will be happy, content, productive – connected.
I wish to know everything will be ok in the way that we will all survive. We will all wake up smiling before we grimace and we will be able to keep our heads about us.
I wish to know my children will remember me kindly, as a slightly eccentric, passionate and “out there” Mom who loved them deeply.
That sounds pretty ok.
I wish to know contentment daily.
I wish to know abundance in every way, intimately.
I wish to know more words that say “intimately” in a different way.
You know, though – that ability to get naked and say ANYTHING!
I wish to know that!
More psalms!

He loves it when everything fits,
when his world is in plumb-line true.
Earth is drenched
in God’s affectionate satisfaction.

God’s affectionate satisfaction!
Isn’t taht a fabulous expression?
I love it!
God’s affectionate satisfaction.
I wish to know God’s affectionate satisfaction, smiling upon me. In fact. I wish to know God’s affectionate satisfaction smiling on me everyday.
(I somehow feel like God does smile on me, affectionate and satisfied. I love how that sounds, how that feels.)
I wish to know…
I wish to know…
I wish to know..
I wish to know..
I wish to know..
I wish to know..
wish – know
wish – know
wish – know
wish – know
wish – know
intimately
let’s see it:
oh my gosh, on the television some one just shouted, “What is the meaning of this?!” no kidding. I kid you NOT!

More words for intimately:

closely
confidentially, familiarly, informally, lovingly, personally, privately, secretly, well

(don’t want antonyms)

Main Entry: closely
Part of Speech: adverb
Definition: approximately, carefully
Synonyms: by the skin of one’s teeth, exactly, firmly, hard, heedfully, in conjunction with, intently, intimately , jointly, meticulously, mindfully, minutely, nearly, punctiliously, scrupulously, searchingly, sharply, similarly, strictly, thoughtfully

I love these words.

I wish to know love meticulously. Not quite. I wish to know my children thoughtfully. Yes. I wish to know my friends scrupulously. I wish to know what “okness” feels like, intently. Exactly. Firmly. I want to know that I will be OK with whatever happens. I know. I know. I know. I know. wish. wish. wish. Punctiliously. What a great word!

Searchingly. Another great one.

I only have twnety words left.

I can do this.

Love us, God, with all you've got—
     that's what we're depending on.

I feel like that is what is asked of me, too.

Love me, Your God, with all you’ve got.
That’s what is being depended on… more intimately. Or wahtever synonym you may choose. LOL>

See more progress on: Complete the June Challenge at 750Words.com

Gratitude on June 1, 2010

I am grateful…

for the clean slate of a new month

for the arrival of Mom later today to celebrate Katherine’s graduation

writing camp is going FANTASTICALLY!

synchronicity

my 1 pm meeting with Judy and her friend

the opportunity to rethink, to listen, to pray.

See more progress on: Daily: Reflect on at least 5 things for which I'm grateful (Happiness Manifesto #2)

No Longer Absent

No longer absent
You move me
I sit beside you
Unwilling to dip
my toe in your wetness
I can say I loved it
Even when you weren’t
here but
Now that you are back
Wonder drips from
my breath as I lower
myself, completely
into your wind and
feel the support of
your skin

See more progress on: write a (sloppy, half-formed if need be) poem every day (or so) during June 2010

Ended on a mindful watching of the sunset

it was glorious, if I do say so myself.

See more progress on: May Bootcamp: Mindfulness and Keeping it Simple

I got sloppy at the end of May

(and want to continue and re-up in June.)

See more progress on: write a (sloppy, half-formed if need be) poem every day (or so) during May 2010

I'm going to continue this

It has been fantastic. Starting with Psalm 32 and continuing through June.

See more progress on: May 2010 Goal: Read, pray, study, contemplate one Psalm Daily

June 1 Morning Pages

I expected bells and sirens when I finished the May challenge. Isn’t that funny? Come on world, notice me! Notice my accomplishment. Sing praises to me and me alone! LOL. Pretty darned funny.

I had chimes of accomplishment yesterday when I sat with the children as the sunset, and remembered in the future what this felt like. The perfect temperature, the long rays of the sun putting their mystical, magical light on everything they touched. So glorious, the way it feels on my skin and the way my children look.

“Don’t move!” I would say to Emma as I reached around my back for my camera. “I need to get exactly… ok, there.”

My friend, Julia, texted me when I said what I was doing, “I can’t wait to see the sunset in Hawaii this summer.”

I texted back, “Love the sunset where you are, now, beloved one.”

We don’t have to wait or go anywhere. Love the sunset now, wherever you are, especially and always whether there is flow or not, love it. Love the sunset, love the moment, love the light. Enjoy whether the sun is out or in hiding. Reflect with and in it.

I managed to find a hula hooper. I managed to find another friend to hang out with, in a hooping way. We could start our own group, a weighted hula hoop which I will need to do in the privacy of my own home. I am excited to start.

Long rays of light as May said good-bye.

Cool, perfect, just right temperatures. I trusted the foxes and coyotes knew the water was coming and moved higher, moved to a dry spot as the water started to flow. They know so much more than we do.

I expected chimes and bells and whistles and all sorts of calvacade of something.

Korn Video:

The producers and directors kept telling me the set would be closed, that I would have complete privacy, not to be worried or upset about running down the street in Oildale, barefoot and screaming. Isn’t that an every day occurrence there? I wanted them to know it didn’t upset me at all, this was normal for me, this was what life was like in Oildale and as an actor, when I am asked to do something I do it, without thought, without concern – I focus and upon the “Action” I simply acted. I hadn’t done any running for a while and there I went, as fast as I could yet trying to match the jeep with the camera, I ran, with only a pair of pajama pants and my goodwill purchased bra, screaming and panting and scrunching up my face.

When the yell for “Cut!” was made, I heard applause from an audience. Apparently I had run beyond the closed set so quite a few people got a preview of this take. I didn’t even care, I was so focused. I wanted to have a pow wow with the Director to see if I had given him what he wanted.

The wardrobe and make up women followed after me, clothing in hands, but I didn’t even notice them. I was in my hands-on-hips business mode. Very serious. No one else even existed in those moments except for me and the Director.

I got back to the mobile home/set and did it again. And again. And again. On the third take I put on my shirt as wardrobe offered it to me and I asked the assistant director for a bottle of water. I giggled as he called for water over his walkie talkie and giggled more as the staff scurried to fulfill my request.

We left as quickly as we arrived when we were done. An hours worth of work. I’m still not sure if that version will make it into the video or not. They tell me M-TV is very picky and may censor my running in my underwear out of the final cut. It would probably embarrass at least one of my children.

They also did a scanning shot of Jared (my wife-beating ‘husband’ who chased me from ‘our mobile home’) and me, which was fun – a silent, acting only with our facial expressions moment. I would love to do more of this, do this sort of thing again.

Loving and living this moment fully.

Not the next moment.

Not when I “get to L.A. someday” not “when I am discovered” not “when I get a large contract” not “when will that particular so-and-so appreciate me!” but in the right here, right now, present moment.

In the wonder of it.

In the love for it.

In the now of it.

Yes.

See more progress on: Complete the June Challenge at 750Words.com