I missed a couple days. I was out of town, away – a bonus for the old fashioned way, you know. Old school notebooks, blue lined conversation with my subconscious mind in a stream of consciousness waterfall of images, words, perplexing combinations and tangents yet not as manically fast as typing, like this, onto the keyboard.
Writing with my hand gives my breath a chance to catch up.
Is it typing rather than writing that has caused society to speed up so much we forget to breathe? Interesting hypothesis. Keyboarding (can’t even call it writing anymore) has caused society to forget to breathe. Yes. That could be it.
“Keep breathing” is a quote I found today from Sophie Tucker which I had to take to my brand new dictionary. “Keep breathing” and I took three consecutive three minutes of silence. Samuel lost one of his shoes in my absence and he left this morning in silence, still. Oversleeping in more ways than one? He is angry because I have been gone so much. Hell, I am angry that I have been gone so much. I don’t want to leave without him again. Damn, I love that little boy. So much.
Shauna is pregnant – my special needs neighbor who goes to special ed programs after high school now. Multiplying more special needs children, probably and perhaps and then I feel badly because I created a special needs child. I am multiplying them. Should I have opted not to have children and why is it in my family and not my siblings’
families. Maybe Jeff and Jim got it right. Maybe I was foolish and selfish though I bet Samuel is grateful for life, most of the time.
Breathing.Pause for utterance. Air in gentle motion. Breathing. In and out, easily. Fits. Not pressured or concerned with where it will go or how it will serve the body, just in and out. In and out. In and out. LIke I wrote the other day “Sit and write”... I laugh, remembering and reflecting.
Keep breathing.
The photo at Golden Gate Bridge made me sad, poignant it is.
People actually climb aboard the bridge in order to jump off. A beautiful, landmark place. I wonder if people, on the way down, regret it. Do they pass out? Do they pray? Do they wish they hadn’t? I remember one of my friends who had an abortion told me that as they put her under, she changed her mind but she couldn’t communicate her changing mind, she woke up and her choice had been completed. Poor thing. Once you leap from that bridge, there is no mind changing, either.
I wonder how often that phone is used. I poke it with my curious mind. I wanted to pick it up and use it, but that would be like violating the rules of being a good citizen, like putting graffitti on the golden gate bridge. I can’t imagine a time when the bridge isn’t covered with people, how could a person prep themselves and then jump? Maybe that’s the point, they look normal until the moment they leap.
Just the average tourist/cyclist/mom of three one moment and the next, “Where did she go?” Over the edge.
We thought this might happen.
Keep breathing.
Keep breathing.
A mark to indicate aspiration or its absence.
I always thought aspiration was a not-so-great thing. Again, adding meaning where there isn’t any necessary. I feel the sun against my eye lids and I breathe, more deeply. I feel breath and I feel light and I feel presence all in the sun, hitting my eye lids. I keep them closed. I am so tired.
Today I have rehearsals – two, but I need to cancel the first. I need to be with Samuel when he is done with VAC. I can’t mess around with this anymore. I need to be there, with him. For him, let him see my face. I love that little boy so much. I miss him when I am not here. I need him to know his breathing is very important to me. Keep breathing, Samuel, keep breathing. Call Dian today. Get people involved. Engage people: “Here is what is happening. Here is what he needs educationally. I am not afraid of failure, I am afraid of repetition of what happened before and I don’t trust the system that failed him before…” I think these worries rumble underneath everything else, playing in the background. No wonder my eye twitches and my stomach is upset.
Emma sleeps. She had a good weekend. Full. The girls and I all had a good weekend.
Me? I need to keep breathing. Keep breathing. Keep breathing.
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