It is a day of Solstice – sun celebration – the longest day of the year and I am remembering other longest days of the year. I am remembering Sharon’s birthday – childhood friend whose day is this day.
I am remembering in 1980, 30 years ago, when I went to a Summer Solstice concert against Nuclear Energy. Bonnie Raitt was there, I don’t know if my beloved Jackson Browne was there, but I think many of his buddies were there and it was in Laguna Niguel of all places and that one pretend priest from Saturday Night Live was there and I was 18 and feeling pretty darn smug about where I was in life and where I was that day. I can’t remember when I stopped feeling smug, I just know it is a feeling that has remained unfelt for quite some time.
Today I happened upon a Blog Fest happening at MotherHenna.com. I knew her writing and art from Art Every Day month and I knew we had some significant stuff in common, but today I was lead there, I think, due to a divine appointment.
The Summer Solstice Blog Festival our hostess, Kara of MotherHenna.com was engaging us to use the theme of “Permission.”
I use the word “permission” frequently in my writing. I didn’t realize it. I even put up some samples for you to check out here.
Permission to remember – Kara remembered her daughter, Dakota, at sunset, so I see from the image on her blog, the one inspiring this writing. She wrote Dakota’s name in the sand. It looked gold in the sun’s retreating light, both the baby’s name and the sand itself.
I remembered Marlena this week in a searing poem. Really, slice to the bones poem which is having an impact on people, especially those who have NOT experienced loss. You may read this poem, “Unbirth”, when I publish these ramblings I will post a link here.
I feel the need to be granted permission to be uber successful at writing and teaching and speaking and coaching. I didn’t used to need this permission. I am not sure what happened and you know, I don’t really care. I am giving me permission, today – on this longest day of 2010, to be uber successful at my efforts to publish, distribute and gain financial success from my writing, my teaching, my speaking, and my coaching.
While I am at it, I grant myself permission to have not only a blast but also to receive accolades and paying gigs for my creative endeavors of performance, poetry and painting.
I gave myself permission to write with Samuel at my side today because he was fairly, well, pretty much pressing me to love with him, alongside him and it is my favorite thing. The house is so quiet when it is just he and I. He plays, fairly contentedly, solo, and doesn’t turn on the television noise box or music, he is just content to be and to explore and to contemplate or plan his next thing. Like right now, his next thing is locating his shoes which he has somehow misplaced.
Back to permission….
I write about permission a lot and I need to ask myself to live the question of, “How well have I integrated permission in my life?” In a ‘lets get real’ moment, I need to dive into that one without holding back.
Have I integrated permission in my life?
I have integrated permission, in other words, signed the metaphorical permission slip and leaped into whatever the heck was holding me back in several specific and large to many areas. I have granted myself permission to lead an unconventional, creative life. That is a biggie because I remember back when I was an employee and convinced there was no way, that I was the one through my labor at a place I despised and clearly didn’t fit me or “get” me… that this was the only way for my family to survive. I believed I held my family’s well being on my back and in my paycheck.
The price was ultimately far too high to pay, though I have never lived this creative life AND worked at a job I hated but I am not that much into experimentation… unless I am pretty darned sure it will delight me. I came dangerously close recently. I am shivering at the thought.
My family’s well being is better than ever except in the finances department because on occasion, some occasions more than others, my finances dip and I finally spoke this outloud on a recent girls day. I actually gave myself permission to say, “Due to my choices to live this creative life style, sometimes I am broke and unfortunately, this choice impacts my children.”
Emma heard me say it, make this serious confession. She seems to respect my need to work on my teaching and coaching more now, I noticed, since I said what was so, without reservation, she somehow gets it.
I am going to repeat the early call to grant myself a more intensified, integrated level of permission. Here goes again:
I feel the need to be granted permission to be uber successful at writing and teaching and speaking and coaching. I didn’t used to need this permission. I am not sure what happened and you know, I don’t really care. I am giving me permission, today – on this longest day of 2010, to be uber successful at my efforts to publish, distribute and gain financial success from my writing, my teaching, my speaking, and my coaching.
While I am at it, I grant myself permission to have not only a blast but also to receive accolades and paying gigs for my creative endeavors of performance, poetry and painting.
I also realize I need to continue to live and continue to integrate this question because I have gotten so good at poo-pooing in my head what I see as the “airy” ness of my compadres, the unspecifics, the non-concrete stuff they will spout in free writing sessions like this one I am writing in exactly now. I will read their writing that grants them permission to… and they will say words that are great like “love unconditionally” which I am all about, too – and yet I know there needs to be the underpinnings to love unconditionally. I give myself permission to stand alongside my beloved friends in their loving unconditionally and, perhaps, whisper in their ears, “Show me unconditional love. Show me how you live that unconditional love. Show me how you make that tangible for others. Show me, beloveds, unconditional love.”
And now, you beloveds, and Kara, beloved – you have permission to remind me, please, to ask and live the “How have I integrated permission in my life?”
and the “What do I have to show the outside world that I have integrated permission not only in the areas where it is easy for me, but also in the areas where it is not so easy for me?”
Yes. That feels right.
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