June 2 Morning Pages, 2010

What do you want to know? is the wishcasting wednesday question. What do I want to know?

I want to know everything is going to be ok. Everything.

And even in writing that, a small “come on, you have to laugh” sound gurgles from my belly.

I have been studying for a long time – ever since my first spiritual experience at age 7, I have been studying and contemplating and praying and studying and I know better than expecting, ever, that everything is “going to be ok” at least by my woefully short-sighted-human-interpretation.

I have been thinking back to the days when I made sure “everything is ok” through my human attempts at ok-ness which lead me down a path to despair – which I read about in a new way this morning in The Cloister Walk, it made such sense. It made SUCH sense.

I am on Psalm 33. I am sure it will help me, something about ok-ness.

Yesterday in writing camp I quoted Epictetus, loosely. His quote about it is not the things that happen that upset us, but our opinions about the things that happen that upset us. (Makes perfect sense.)

The KORN video came out. I can’t deny its existence nor my lack of wardrobe anymore and you know, its ok. It is like wearing pajamas. It is ok, I tell you. It is ok.

Psalm 33 checks in and starts like this:

Good people, cheer God! Right-living people sound best when praising.

I am always cheering God, can’t you hear me? YAY! Divinity! YAY! God! Yippeeee, Jesus Christ! I love GOD! God has such a great sense of humor and is proving it again.

I am going to go back to the Wishcasting question:

What do I wish (not want!) to know?

I wish to know
I wish to know
I wish to know
I wish to know
I wish to know
I wish to know
I wish to know
I wish to know

I wish to know intimacy, on a deeper, more profound level.
I wish to know my children will be happy, content, productive – connected.
I wish to know everything will be ok in the way that we will all survive. We will all wake up smiling before we grimace and we will be able to keep our heads about us.
I wish to know my children will remember me kindly, as a slightly eccentric, passionate and “out there” Mom who loved them deeply.
That sounds pretty ok.
I wish to know contentment daily.
I wish to know abundance in every way, intimately.
I wish to know more words that say “intimately” in a different way.
You know, though – that ability to get naked and say ANYTHING!
I wish to know that!
More psalms!

He loves it when everything fits,
when his world is in plumb-line true.
Earth is drenched
in God’s affectionate satisfaction.

God’s affectionate satisfaction!
Isn’t taht a fabulous expression?
I love it!
God’s affectionate satisfaction.
I wish to know God’s affectionate satisfaction, smiling upon me. In fact. I wish to know God’s affectionate satisfaction smiling on me everyday.
(I somehow feel like God does smile on me, affectionate and satisfied. I love how that sounds, how that feels.)
I wish to know…
I wish to know…
I wish to know..
I wish to know..
I wish to know..
I wish to know..
wish – know
wish – know
wish – know
wish – know
wish – know
intimately
let’s see it:
oh my gosh, on the television some one just shouted, “What is the meaning of this?!” no kidding. I kid you NOT!

More words for intimately:

closely
confidentially, familiarly, informally, lovingly, personally, privately, secretly, well

(don’t want antonyms)

Main Entry: closely
Part of Speech: adverb
Definition: approximately, carefully
Synonyms: by the skin of one’s teeth, exactly, firmly, hard, heedfully, in conjunction with, intently, intimately , jointly, meticulously, mindfully, minutely, nearly, punctiliously, scrupulously, searchingly, sharply, similarly, strictly, thoughtfully

I love these words.

I wish to know love meticulously. Not quite. I wish to know my children thoughtfully. Yes. I wish to know my friends scrupulously. I wish to know what “okness” feels like, intently. Exactly. Firmly. I want to know that I will be OK with whatever happens. I know. I know. I know. I know. wish. wish. wish. Punctiliously. What a great word!

Searchingly. Another great one.

I only have twnety words left.

I can do this.

Love us, God, with all you've got—
     that's what we're depending on.

I feel like that is what is asked of me, too.

Love me, Your God, with all you’ve got.
That’s what is being depended on… more intimately. Or wahtever synonym you may choose. LOL>

See more progress on: Complete the June Challenge at 750Words.com